Number 1

I am starting this blog as a adventure to help heal I think or maybe just so I have something to do. I am a emotional mess. Somehow I am more than pissed off at my recent C-Section. I shouldn't have caved and let pain that I was handling just fine for the most part consume me.7 centimeters,broken water, and freaking Stadol ruined everything.In a matter of a hour I went from at home laboring fine,contractions coming in a very weird pattern but really really close together, deciding it was time to go to the hospital (just to make sure this baby wanted out and wasn't messing with me again ),realizing that I was going to have to do it by myself (again even though my"partner" was in the room ),letting pain take over and losing my focus,getting poked repeatedly and having multiple veins blown,not to mention the nurses poking me were rude and liked to be smart butts,to caving to pain agreeing to Stadol and knowing from the minute that crap hit my system it was all down hill from there. Stadol was given to help the pain that would have been bearable with just some words of support or a hand to hold,while I waited for a stupid epidural. Taking the Stadol was a HUGE mistake as soon as it hit me I felt as though I was going to pass out,like something was holding me under ,and knew that if I didn't fight to stay awake the outcome would be really really bad.I hope to never ever feel like that again. By the time the anesthesiologist got there and started the epidural (just minutes later) I knew what was coming.The epidural was in and now it was time to lay back down and of course just as they lay me back the monitor shows the baby's heart rate dropping fast. The only thing to be done now was to get the baby out NOW, and the only way to do it C-Section. Something that I never ever wanted but without it who knows. I am thankful that my baby came out perfect. But I am PISSED off at how everything happened I want to blame it on something just to feel better but everything I want to blame it on just leads me to my own decisions (stupid decisions)and the realization of the lack of support I have.